Conversations with Myself or Schizophrenics with a Bitchy Voice

12 Mar

With my birthday looming around the corner, I’m starting to feel the full weight of my adult self. This will be my first birthday as a Mommy; the first birthday I celebrate around a baby’s bedtime routine. Even last year, toward the end of my third trimester, my birthday plans focused on my favorite meals at my favorite restaurant. Granted, I required three Oompa-Loompas to roll me to my table, but it was still MY birthday dinner at MY favorite adult restaurant.

Ten years ago, I was a carefree teenager. Daisy and I were causing enough trouble to render us “rebellious.” I was filling out college applications, and my biggest stressor was my SAT scores. I thought I was really cool. Now, I know I’m about as lame as they come. As a matter-of-fact, I’ve recently visited with 17-year-old Violet, and she’s pissed. She doesn’t like me at all. She thinks I’m a sell-out suburban Mommy, and has threatened, on more than one occasion, to kick my plump, dorky ass. When I asked her to explain to me why she has so much beef with present-day Violet, the little bitch actually produced a list.

  • I’m not nearly as impassioned by politics as she was. I’m more moderate, where as she was a bit of an extremist. She read several newspapers online daily and watched the news religiously. I, on the other hand, learned that Davey Jones died through my Facebook feed.
  • She has always hated minivans. The ultimate sell-out machine, she believed minivans were for boring soccer moms with 8 kids. She scorns me for wanting one really, really badly. I fear that when the day comes that I trade in my fuel-efficient coupe for my Mommy-mobile, she might hunt me down and slap me.
  • The other day, I caught her eavesdropping on my phone call to Daisy. She later chastised me for the content of our conversation. See, she regularly talks to 17-year-old Daisy about INTERESTING things, like boys, school, music, boys, shopping, entertainment, boys, and our favorite bad behaviors. When she heard us discussing couponing for two hours (and don’t get her started on my use of the word “coupon” as a verb!), our favorite recipes, and baby poop, she put her head in her hands and wept.
  • 17-year-old Violet was a girl who embraced literature. She loved Austen, Shakespeare, Orwell, and Eliot. I had to plead with her not to tear up my English degree when she noticed me reading a trashy Chick Lit book.
  • Young Violet actually skipped school on a regular basis to go to the gym. (And not just because the sexy actor “The Rock” worked out at the same gym between noon and two p.m., either.) While never “skinny,” she was svelte, sexy, and in great shape. She saw the tags in my jeans, noted the double-digit size, and cried. I tried to explain to her that my body changed with pregnancy; that exercise requires time I just don’t have. She wouldn’t hear of it.

It’s hard living with the ghost of your teenage self. The bitch leaves dishes everywhere, makeup on the counters, and stays up until dawn listening to music and talking on the phone. I can’t even get her to chip in for utilities! I’m going to have to kick her out soon, and I’m not looking forward to it. If she can’t deal with the fact that my life revolves around my kid; that I get a little high off of great savings through coupons; that my dream car has a third row, and that my favorite radio station is now NPR….
Well, she’ll just have to fuck off.

© Daisy and Violet 2012. All Rights Reserved.

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9 Responses to “Conversations with Myself or Schizophrenics with a Bitchy Voice”

  1. Tanya March 12, 2012 at 8:55 am #

    Love it! Wait until you have a teenager – any ounce of coolness you once had will be out the window! She will never, ever believe your stories of previous coolness, and she will roll her eyes at you as you try to convince her that you actually once were really, really cool! lolololol!

    • daisyandviolet March 12, 2012 at 9:36 am #

      Some of our shenanigans are better left untold. Especially to our daughters. lol

      -Daisy

    • daisyandviolet March 12, 2012 at 11:00 am #

      I have photo evidence. Problem is, I can’t let her see them until she’s 40.

      -Violet

  2. Blondie March 12, 2012 at 9:22 am #

    Oh my goodness. You skipped school to work out? LOL
    NPR? Where Juan Williams was too conservative to survive?

    • daisyandviolet March 12, 2012 at 9:35 am #

      We both did. That’s not ALL we skipped school to do, though. 🙂

      -Daisy

    • daisyandviolet March 12, 2012 at 11:02 am #

      Yep. Didn’t you wonder about that gym membership you helped me sign up for? Didn’t you notice how close the gym was to the high school? And, as Daisy said, we skipped school for a plethora of reasons. Physical fitness just happened to be one of them. =]
      And I love NPR. My favorite is Science Fridays. I stream that from my iTunes all week long! Especially the psychology episodes. =]
      -Vi

  3. Blondie March 12, 2012 at 6:48 pm #

    Oh I am sure you two skipped school for many reasons…but how nice that at least one of the reasons was good for you!

    • daisyandviolet March 13, 2012 at 11:09 am #

      Hey, when we skipped school to go to Einsteins, I always got a whole-wheat bagel and low-fat shmear! -V

  4. Blondie March 13, 2012 at 1:44 pm #

    Oh. Well then it’s okay.

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