Celebrity Parents

30 Mar

Celebrity culture has always been somewhat of a twatwaffle to me. I don’t get into the drama; I don’t understand the hysteria. I don’t follow Perez Hilton’s blog. For all intents and purposes, I think celebrities are a bunch of middle class morons who happened to fall upon fame and wealth because they were either a) favored with big tits or b) can make themselves cry on cue. (Daisy and I are blessed with both of these attributes. Where are our millions?) At some point in their journey from mediocrity to internationally irrelevant, someone issued them all (collectively) a license for weirdness.

I didn’t used to mind the weirdness. Tom Cruise wants to put his money in a tax shelter and call it religion? Fine. Follow that up with a critique of psychology as a legitimate medicine practice? He’s an asshole, but I didn’t give him enough credit to care. Fergie wants to pee-pee in her pants without a Huggies, then shower in champagne to cover it up? Have fun! But then these weird-ass movie stars decided to tell the world how to parent. That’s when I became annoyed.

First, we had Mayim Bialik telling us that we need to breastfeed our kids until they’re five. (Anyone else think of the movie Grown Ups when you hear that?!)  January Jones, of Mad Men fame, wants you to eat your own placenta after you deliver your afterbirth. (And I know that in some less civilized cultures, that’s acceptable, but I’m a middle class American. We don’t cannibalize our extraneous organs.) Now, Alicia Silverstone wants us to feed our children like we’re pigeons by chewing our food and spitting it into the waiting infant’s mouth. Oh, hell no.

Here’s my problem: for one, parenting is a completely individualistic practice. No two mothers are alike, and no two children are alike. Prescribing any parenting practice is risky business (haha, Tom Cruise joke!) because methods that worked in one family may fail in another, and who will the failing family blame? The person who offered the advice in the first place. Not a wise idea if your income is based on your likability. My other problem with this celeb-mommy-culture is that too many people put these assholes on a pedestal. For these people, anything a favorite celebrity spews from her mouth is scripture. Cameron Diaz wants me to exfoliate with llama fetus eyeballs? Sounds great! Jack Black suggests I huff Dorito Cheese dust to make my hair grow longer? Yum! So when the Hollywood-types tell you that you should cover your kid in olive juice every day to prevent AIDS, some ignorant imbecile will take that to heart and buy a Costco-sized jar of olives.

Weirdo celebrity parents: keep your strange-as-shit thoughts to yourself. If you want to name your kid Pilot Inspektor or Jermajesty, be my fucking guest. No skin off my back. But to promote your strange (and possibly harmful) parenting tactics to your unassuming, impressionable fan base is wrong. You’re fucking with a child’s well-being when you tell his parent to eat a lock of his hair every year on his birthday, or whatever unusual shit you do with your children. Just like with politics, Hollywood Freaks, keep your nose out of shit you don’t understand, and stick to acting/singing/slutting.

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7 Responses to “Celebrity Parents”

  1. "The Mayor" March 30, 2012 at 5:32 am #

    You tell it like it is , Violet. BTW I keep a large Costco size of olive jar in the pantry ( very handy for Martini consumption).

  2. minnesotamomma March 30, 2012 at 7:42 am #

    Hilarious!! couldn’t agree more!

    • daisyandviolet March 30, 2012 at 9:09 am #

      🙂 Thank you for reading and commenting! -Violet

  3. KeepingItReal March 30, 2012 at 11:38 am #

    AMEN! No seriously I was commenting on this just last week when I read that the girl who played Blossom had written a book about Attachment Parenting, like who the hell is she to write a book anyhow?

    Just because you’re popular doesn’t mean you’re an authority on a subject. It bothers me to no end.

    • daisyandviolet March 30, 2012 at 11:56 am #

      I completely agree! Thank you for commenting!

      -Daisy

  4. CJ April 11, 2012 at 11:10 am #

    LMAO!! All time favorite line, that I will borrow: “Weirdo celebrity parents: keep your strange-as-shit thoughts to yourself.” I may delete the weirdo celebrity parents part, because I know people that believe they are the all knowing all judging book on how to be a parent. Love This!!

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