Where did my “Give a Fuck” go?

31 Mar

Fuck. My brain hurts from all this homework.

I’m finishing up my Master’s degree in Administration. Literally, finishing up. I graduate in six weeks, and you bet your ass I’m counting down every second, every class session, every assignment until the end.

Why the fuck am I doing this? I don’t even want to be an administrator one day! That job sucks. How did I get here?

A few years ago, my dear friend and mentor, Super Teacher, encouraged me to apply for a Master’s program. At the time, I was a fledgling first-year teacher. I had no kids. I rented a home, didn’t own. I really had nothing else going on in my life aside from my easy, carefree marriage. I thought, “Why the hell not? I can do this. I’ll sure as fuck take the pay raise!” I researched different graduate programs, and determined that a) I’d make a kick-ass administrator, as I’m a Take-No-Shit kind of gal, and b)  the Administration degree looked easiest; it has a final portfolio in lieu of a Master’s Thesis. So I applied for the program (even though the requirements stipulated that I had to be IN my third year of teaching), and I was accepted.

I charged ahead. I took a heavier-than-average load. I rocked straight A’s for the first time in my life. I was kicking grad school’s ass and making it my bitch.

And then I got pregnant.

We weren’t deliberately trying to have a baby, but it happened none-the-less. My trimesters and semesters aligned a little too perfectly. My first trimester, which was a fall semester, I was useless. I was tired and cranky and über hormonal. Staying awake through evening classes after teaching a full day was nearly impossible. I received my first A- that semester; bye bye, 4.0 GPA!

My second and third trimesters were during the following Spring. I was large, I was hungry, and I was still a cranky bitch. I was finding it impossible to schedule my ever-increasing OB appointments around work and school. My blood pressure was skyrocketing from the stresses of teaching and being a grad student. And let’s be honest: even as a pregnant mother, my priorities were shifting. My “Give a Fuck” was almost nil. I earned my first “B” that semester. Bye bye, Magna Cum Laude.

After the baby was born, I took the summer semester off to be with her and recuperate. Once the next fall arrived, I was back in the swing of things: teacher by day, student by night, and Mommy whenever the hell I found a spare moment. With my “Give a Fuck” completely gone, I wondered why the hell I was still working toward my Master’s. I definitely didn’t want to be an administrator now. I barely even wanted to work. I just wanted to stay at home with my Pterodactyl and be a full-time Mommy.

Then Daisy reminded me of something: I had spent an ass-load of money on tuition and books, not to mention thousands of hours studying and in class. I had dedicated too much of my life to this program to back out now. I looked objectively at what I had accomplished and what I had left to do. I was one semester away from graduating. I decided right then, come Hell or high water, that I was going to finish this fucking degree and graduate.

So here we are. I’m six weeks away from graduation. My internship is almost over. I have two classes left to attend. There are about 5 or 6 assignments, collectively, left to submit. My cap, gown, and hood have been ordered. Shit, I even got to order an honors medallion, something that undergraduate Violet only dreamed of. (That’s right, Friends: I’m graduating Summa Cum Laude!) I’m writing this post as a way to procrastinate from doing some research for a paper I’m writing, and guess what? I don’t Give a Fuck. What I’d rather be doing is visiting the local pool with my little one, taking her swimming in the infant pool, which is only 6 inches deep. THAT’S how I want to spend my Saturday; not cooped up in front of my computer, but experiencing life with my kid. Every instinct in me is telling me to close the laptop and play with Pterodactyl, but then I have Daisy’s nagging voice in my head: “You’re so close! Buck up and finish, already!”

Thank you, Daisy, for keeping my lazy ass on track.

Thank you, Super Teacher, for inspiring me to start my Master’s degree in the first place.

And fuck you both for not letting me quit.

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12 Responses to “Where did my “Give a Fuck” go?”

  1. Frenchie March 31, 2012 at 1:56 pm #

    I applaud you for doing it…like I’ve told you on numerous occasions I don’t know how you do it. My give a fuck for anything other than being a good wife and mom took a flying leap off a cliff last year. I’m sure it will come back eventually but it makes me wish I was a celebrity so I had the money to tell everyone to go to hell. Alas, this is reality and we’re both up shit creek on that front aren’t we?

    • daisyandviolet March 31, 2012 at 4:05 pm #

      Damn us and our love for language. You know, with potty mouths like ours, we could have been radio Shock Jocks making “fuck you” money. Oh well. -Vi

      • daisyandviolet March 31, 2012 at 6:54 pm #

        Violet! You are a bad ass. Can’t stop, won’t stop!


        Dais.

  2. Super Teacher March 31, 2012 at 7:31 pm #

    Congratulations on sticking it out and seeing your goal to fruition. 🙂 It’s tough! There are so many times I feel exactly like you. I wonder if I’m making the right choice in continuing my education at the cost of being home with my child. But, I know that I’m doing what I need to do for myself and my family, just as you are. You are an amazing woman. Congrats on the upcoming graduation!

  3. I.R. March 31, 2012 at 9:06 pm #

    Good piece, girl(s).

  4. Jennifer Worrell April 1, 2012 at 3:25 pm #

    I just peed from laughing…great post …o God, can I relate! I was soooo pissed during my internship summer when my baby was six months old…My give a fuck paddled down shit creek just from thinking about it! Congrats!

    • daisyandviolet April 1, 2012 at 3:50 pm #

      LOL! Awesome!

      -Daisy

    • daisyandviolet April 1, 2012 at 6:27 pm #

      So glad to know I’m not alone! My mentor, Super Teacher, is about halfway through her doctorate. Her kid is 6 weeks older than mine. She works infinitely harder than I do, and she still has several years left in her program. If I were in her shoes, I definitely would have quit by now. -Violet

  5. sushi & wine April 1, 2012 at 3:52 pm #

    As I write this, I know I’m procrastinating on studying that I have to do, but hey, what better way to procrastinate than by reading a blog about procrastination 🙂
    Seriously, I’m so proud of you. You’ve had to where 67253429234 hats this year, and you rocked them all!

  6. greenplatedinners April 5, 2012 at 12:50 am #

    Wow, thanks for writing this… I’m currently 27 weeks pregnant and finishing up my second of three years of grad school, so I keep wondering how in god’s name I’m gonna do this next year with a baby, considering I have NO motivation this year already.

    If you can do it, I can do it. You’re amazing.

    • daisyandviolet April 5, 2012 at 6:08 am #

      Thank you so much or your kind comments! Grad work with a big belly or sleepless newborn absolutely sucks, but it’s doable. Keep on trucking, girl!
      -Violet

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