Stick Figure Families I’d Love to See

25 Apr

I’m normally quick to pass judgment on the cars with stick figure families. In addition to being straight-up tacky, they’re rocked by geeks. These are the same people who probably have a collection of, “I’m With Stupid” tee-shirts and Thomas Kinkade paintings around their homes.

For those of you who secretly love those car stickers and want to decorate your station wagon: don’t worry. I’m planning a line of Stick Figure Families that are not only honest and accurate, but informative to other drivers who share the roads with you:

Naked Stick Family
Does this exist? If so, I want to see a collection on every car in America. If not, I’m throwing that shit under the D&V copyrights and making a line of them. Imagine it: dingalings and va-jay-jays adorning these little stick people, showing us what this family is REALLY about!. We could even differentiate for the variety of patrons out there! The “Daddy” stick figure could feature a variety of Wang sizes. This would be especially useful when Daddy cuts you off in traffic: upon seeing the Naked Stick Father with the itty-bitty dick, you’ll automatically feel pity instead of anger. And for all the breast-feeding mommas out there, Stick Figure Mommy can have standard boobs, or a rack that hangs down to her stick figure knees! I think this is my favorite idea of the bunch. 0:-)

Controversial Stick Figure Family
Gay parents, interracial families, polygamy: under these circumstances, any old stick figure family will do. The fun here is driving down the street in rural Bible Belt territory and watching the expressions on the faces of the plebeians when they realize that there are two stick figure mommies (and possibly a Stick Figure Daddy, too), or one black stick figure and one white stick figure. Oh, what fun!

Single People
There are two sub-categories here. First, you have the “Single and Happy” crowd. We need to make a line of stick figure people for you. Instead of children and cats, your stick figure people will come with degrees, large bank accounts, and an active sex life. (Any suggestions for what THAT sticker would look like? I’m thinking an unrolled condom…) For the “Single and Depressed” folks, your car stickers would come with Weight Watchers frozen meals, Fabio-covered novels, and cats. Lots of cats. We’ll get the message loud and clear when we pull up behind your slow-as-shit Kia in traffic to find one stick figure woman and 36 stick figure cats. And maybe a stick figure vibrator.

Fatties
Consider it a warning label for drivers who may want to park beside this minivan: chubby stick figure people will alert you to leave a lot of space between your car and theirs! If fatties are willing to own their shit, I say, let ’em have their stick figure people. (Isn’t that a fun little paradox?!)

What stick figure families have you always wanted to see? Thanks for reading and commenting!

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8 Responses to “Stick Figure Families I’d Love to See”

  1. "the Mayor" April 25, 2012 at 7:23 am #

    Priceless !

  2. I.R. April 25, 2012 at 6:15 pm #

    I’m waiting for someone from The Raj – – India – – to sell (and yes, anything and everything sells and is sold there) a decal depicting a family of Sikhs.

    Yeah: Stik Sikhs. Or, Sikh Sticks.

    AyeAre

  3. lisa April 27, 2012 at 12:24 pm #

    I could not agree more. So funny. I however have never come acroos them for sale where do all of these people find these obnoxious figures?

    • daisyandviolet May 6, 2012 at 11:04 am #

      I’ve actually seen them at Walgreens. I saw a few military ones on base, and college-specific ones on my university’s campus. I think I’d market my line of stick figure families on eBay…lol -Violet

  4. Hevel May 2, 2012 at 3:33 am #

    I actually have a car with the two daddy figures and some of our original family size… and a puli dog, and all our gold fish, one of them being eaten by our cat… I love taking that car to Jerusalem, just to piss my brother’s neighbours off.

    • daisyandviolet May 6, 2012 at 11:03 am #

      Hevel, you fall into the awesome category of “Controversial Stick Figure Families.” I say, sport your two daddy stick figures with pride!! -Violet

  5. Allseeing Mommy May 6, 2012 at 1:02 pm #

    Or all of the above. On one car. Just to screw with people. Bwahaha

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