An Open Letter to a Couple of Anonymous Assholes

20 May

Some lovely ladies in my life have experienced some really traumatic bullshit this week. I’d like to address their soon-to-be-ex-husbands, if I may.

To the Dick Who Served His Wife Divorce Papers on Mothers’ Day:

You mean to tell me that you spent a year planning your wedding, a year buying a house, and a year conceiving your child, just to dump your better half after all that? And on her first Mothers’ Day, to boot? Hey, Vindictive Asshole, the steroids must be shrinking your brain as much as they’re shrinking your balls. Don’t even think about asking for custody of that beautiful baby.


To the Moron Who Cheated On His Wife With A Colleague:

I always knew you were kind of dumb. Hell, if you had an ounce of sense, you would have kept growing after you hit five feet tall. But to not only cheat on your beautiful wife with the “office slut,” but then leave incriminating emails open on your shared computer? One can only assume that you’re on a quest to prove to the world that your dick isn’t as short as your stature.


You both fucked up royally. Royally. You both have ended beautiful, short-lived marriages with amazing, educated, gorgeous women for no good reason. You will both spend the rest of your lives regretting every bad decision you’ve ever made. 

I hope they both get The Herp.

2 Responses to “An Open Letter to a Couple of Anonymous Assholes”

  1. I.R. May 22, 2012 at 8:50 pm #

    Lucy Liu, as “Ling,” in Ally McBeal, constantly said that men think with their “dumb-sticks.”

    “The Moron” clearly did (to the extent that (a) he had one and (b) it functioned at all) while The Dick seems to be suspect from the start, and well may have had a surrogate or donor stand in when fertilization was desired.

    God knows I’d run far more than wild, before I met and fell in love with and married my best friend/woman/wife, but if a guy has neither the breeding nor the balls to be a man, and honor commtments and otherwise play by the rules, he’s plant food. Give him to Audrey II. In pieces.

    • daisyandviolet June 2, 2012 at 9:28 pm #

      My current plan is to give their names and addresses to my more criminally-inclined students and tell them they hurt my feelings. We’ll find chunks of these dickwads floating in the Red Sea by next weekend, guaranteed. ❤ -Violet

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