Archive | June, 2012

It’s a Small World After All…

25 Jun

I love those “Small World!” stories, don’t you?

While 100 miles from home today, I became chatty with a cool chick, with whom I instantly clicked. Later tonight, I sent her a friend request on Facey-Space, and learned that we both are FB friends with my cousin. Out of sheer curiosity, I called my Prima, who told me that she was super close to this girl in college. Not only did they hang out, but apparently, they even traveled together. It’s not as though we all live in a small town where this kind of shit happens regularly; we’re big city gals! Millions of people cross our paths on a daily basis!

I have two favorite “Small World” stories of my own:

1. In high school, Daisy was at my house, and I was forcing her to look through pictures of my childhood. She pointed to one particular picture and said, “How do you know Uncle ___?” She gave me pause. I corrected her: “How do you know MY Uncle ____?” It seems as though both Daisy’s parents and my folks were good friends with the same family, and we all (apparently) would attend their annual holiday parties, where the grown-ups would abandon us children with the nanny. We realized that as 2, 3, 4, 5 year olds, Daisy and I played together at these events. Unbeknownst to us, we were destined to become Heterosexual Life Partners 13 years later, and one county away. Freaky.

2. While my big brother was in his senior internship in college (and I a geeky high school Freshman, just beginning to befriend Daisy), he would often call me and tell me stories about his cool adult job. His favorite things to talk about were the old man teacher who kind of “mentored” him and the obnoxious brat in his class who seemed to enjoy making his internship more difficult. Fast forward 7 years: I’m taking my big brother to my boyfriend Buddy’s house to meet his family. Buddy and I had only been dating about 8 or 9 months at this point. When my big brother walked into Buddy’s house, he spied Buddy’s younger brother, and his eyes got wide. Buddy’s dad walked in the room and gave my brother a big hug. Turns out, that cool older teacher was BUDDY’S DAD, and the obnoxious student was BUDDY’S BROTHER! You read that right: my brother knew my in-laws 7 years before I even met my husband in the first place.

Does this shit ever happen to you? Please share your favorite “HOLY CRAP!” moments with us!

As always, thank you for reading and commenting.


Fun With Texting: 6/24/2012

24 Jun


Tilapia…Sweet, Sweet Tilapia

23 Jun

It’s been a while since I’ve experimented with anything new in the kitchen. Work routines have me clinging to my idiot-proof staples in desperation. I simply don’t have the time or energy to do anything creative these days. While at my little “gourmet” butcher shop this morning, I happened to pick up some fresh tilapia. I usually just throw it in a dish with lemon, butter, and garlic to bake, but I thought I’d give my favorite new website a go.

Have you been to If you haven’t, you must stop whatever you’re doing and go right now. It’s a recipe search engine where you input the ingredients you happen to have lying around the house, and it’ll suggest recipes only using what you tell it you have. I told the search engine that I have a pantry stocked with goodness (thanks to my diligent couponing and stock-piling) and nothing fresh in the fridge beyond the fish, and here’s what it gave me. (Warning: you’re about to salivate all over yourself. Get a napkin or something.)

  • 2-4 tilapia filets
  • 1 c. crackers, crumbled (I used Ritz Whole Wheat)
  • 1/2 c. breadcrumbs (I used Panko because I’m a snob.)
  • 1 t. Italian seasoning
  • 1/2 t. freshly ground pepper. (the barefoot contessa would remind you to use “good” pepper, the bitch.)
  • 1 stick butter
  • Parmesan cheese to taste


1. Melt butter. Put aside.

2. Mix breadcrumbs, crushed crackers, and seasonings in a shallow, wide bowl.

3. Coat fish in butter. Dredge both sides in the dry mix.

4. Place fish in foil-lined pan.

5. Drizzle the remaining butter and dry mix on top of the fish, then sprinkle the Parmesan over the filets.

6. Bake at 400 degrees for 15-20 minutes.

Amazing. Purely amazing. Even the kid devoured it. =]

Excuses, Excuses…

23 Jun

I know we haven’t written in a while.

Here are my excuses. I hope one of them flies for you.

1. My keyboard is broken; specifically, the letter “t.” I need to buy an external keyboard, because it’s a pain in the ass to copy and paste the letter every other word. (Count the “t”s. Go ahead. A lot of “ctrl-V”s, huh?)

2. Between work, family obligations, and the second job I’m taking, I’m pooped. (Yep. I’m taking a SECOND teaching job. Opportunity is just too good to pass up.)

(You’re still counting “t”s, aren’t you?)

3. Daisy’s triplets are on Summer Vacay, so she’s really on full-time mode. I’m surprised she bathes every day.

4. In order to be up for the gym every morning at 4:30, I’m in bed by 9; prime blogging hours.

We hope you still love us, in spite of the fact that we’ve become overwhelmed by life. Posts are coming soon; we promise!

(Bet you’re still counting.)



Holy Shit! They Exist!

17 Jun


Car stick people engaged in coitus! I love it!!!!


Fun With Texting 06/09/2012

9 Jun


Daisy’s nuts.

Search Terms

9 Jun

So, I’m sitting here watching Armageddon while my kids have rest time… And I was perusing the different things that people have searched for that got them here, and, uh… We need to address this. People, quite obviously, are strange. For your viewing pleasure, here are some noteable ones… And if you got here via one of these searches, we won’t hold it against you.

(Search terms are bold – my commentary is un-bold)

  • if i have conversations with myself am i schizophrenic: Well, that depends, dear friend. Are you arguing or just conversing? Either way, you’re in the right place. Hope you stuck around.
  • give me poop: I’m fresh out. I hope you found what you were looking for.
  • birth day party gift by fucking: May I suggest a Hallmark card?
  • moms i’d like to fuck daisy: Well, thanks! I’m.. honored?
  • how to make c section go smoother: Well this makes sense. Good luck!
  • walking like a 90 year old woman after a c section: This makes sense, too.
  • car stickers for single people: Seriously? You want to put a single, solitary stick figure on your car? Just buy an ipod and slap the apple on it.
  • i just love daisies: I do, too. I also love babies and strawberries and people that don’t suck.
  • daisy cooks: I sure fuckin’ do.
  • can you buy premade hummus: For many reasons, this made me laugh. Have you never been to a grocery store? That being said, my hummus is homemade. Straight from the package into a bowl.
  • sex stick people car stickers: Like, stick figures engaged IN coitus?
  • screw your stick figure family: I hope you stuck around.
  • everything just seems pointless what’s everything?: texting you and sitting here wondering: Who searches for this? Seriously? I thought the emo movement was over.
  • violet inappropriate: She sure can be. We love her, though.
  • pee her pants purpose: FIVE people have searched for this. Seriously?
  • peinis picturs: Who let their 10 year old and her friends on the computer?
  • class 4 narcotic: We are in no way medical professionals. Proceed at your own risk.
  • baby poo lots breastfed: Yup, that can happen!
  • daisy a vagina: I’ll just shake my head and wonder at this one.
  • corned beef hash joke: There are jokes about corned beef hash? I’m missing out.
  • does chicken kitchen curry sauce have mayo: Much to Violet’s dismay.. It does.
  • if you would listen mommy wouldn’t have to loose her shit: I agree!
  • daddy issues oral fixation: And this is a good example of why we don’t post pictures of our children. Thanks!
  • morphine in a c sections whore out during surgery?: Uh…………… Personally, I didn’t whore out during my c-section…
  • fat girls at prom: Hmm.
  • neighborhood children girls let out blood-curdling screams when playing outside: Are you throwing things at them?
  • intensity not your mothers vibrator: Hope you found what you were looking for!
  • families who want to be naked: Hello to our nudist readers.
  • i toss my stepmom salad: I *really* hope you mean a salad consisting of vegetables.
  • stick figure car decals woman with cats: Maybe you and the person looking for “single people decals” should hang out.
  • can i work out on the elliptical while on pelvic rest: Yeah, that’s a good idea.
  • daisy kick boxing: Nope.
  • lots of cats stick figure car: Sigh.
  • pictures of gay stick figures families: Wouldn’t two males or two females as the parents suffice?
  • people who are obsessed with working out every morning before work: I’ll take “Violet” for $1000, Alex.
  • driving daisy naked: I drive clothed, thank you.
  • babies”r”us is filled with useless crap: That, it is.
  • daisy topped nipples martha stewart: Martha Stewart’s nipples. *Shudder*
  • should i let my ex hussnd in for my c section: Is it his kid? If not, nope.
  • fuck off i want an elective c section: Have fun with that!
  • are playtex drop ins safe for baby: No. They are covered in rat poison. Playtex is trying to control the population. (sarcasm, don’t sue me, Playtex!)
  • daisy shit in the kitchen: I assure you, I didn’t.
  • does military get wedding anniversary off: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Yeah, sure. They also throw you an anniversary party.
  • poop stained shirt.: We’ve all been there.
  • what the fuck is a trimester: I hope you aren’t breeding.

Keep on searchin’. Makes us laugh.


Games From When I Used to be Social

5 Jun

It’s a Tuesday night, but I don’t think that excuses me from sitting by myself with a glass of wine and a few games of Words With Friends.

Back in my pre-Mommy days, there would be other people around when I drank my wine. We’d usually play Apples to Apples (if you’ve never played it, I highly recommend it. Especially if you’re drinking.) or dabble with my collection of If… books. These coffee-table books contain a bunch of hypothetical questions, and the players take turns asking one another and giggling at their friends’ responses. There’s a positive correlation between the humor factor and the booze: the more alcohol consumed, the funnier the answers.

Sometimes, I long for those silly days.

Yet here I am, listening to the rain and the baby monitor, flipping through the books as though I actually have friends. I kinda do have friends, if I count Daisy and you all, Dear Readers. Maybe I’ll ask myself these questions, and post my responses for you to enjoy. What do you think? (Frankly, I don’t give a damn. I’m going to do it anyway.)

If you could be a guest on any television talk show, which would it be?

My initial reaction would be Ellen. I’d love to dance with the country’s most lovable lez, and a seat on her stage would probably mean this blog has taken off, or teachers have become nationally-renowned celebrities. Plus, Rachel Ray annoys me. Stay in the kitchen, Sweetheart. Nobody wants to hear your raspy voice.

If you could be the owner of any current team in professional sports, which one would you want?

Let’s go with the Denver Broncos. This season is going to be very lucrative, now that Jesus Boy Timmy is off the roster and Manning’s on. If my prediction is correct, I’ll be filling a swimming pool with coins like Scrooge McDuck so I can skinny dip in money.

If you had to spend all of your vacations for the rest of your life in the same place, where would you go?

I’m assuming that this is all-expenses paid, and I don’t have to float it on a teacher’s salary, right? Ok, now that we’ve cleared that up, I’m going to generically say a cruise ship. The way I see it, cruise ships go to different places, right? So I could do one vacay in Alaska, one in the Mediterranean, one in the Caribbean, etc. Who doesn’t love a cruise? Food and alcohol flowing from every orifice, girly cartoon slot machines in every casino, and great views from every deck. Yeah, my family, my Kindle, and I would be very happy on endless cruises.

If you could be invisible for one hour, where would you go and what would you do?

First things first, let’s spend 5 minutes in Matthew Mcconaughey’s dressing room. Just enough time to oogle his naked body and smell him a little. Then, off to the nearest bank to make a massive (and undetectable) cash withdrawal. Maybe stop by another one, just for good measure. (Look, I was a bank teller in college. I know how frequently they keep the vault open.) My last invisible act would be to find whomever is highest on my Shit List at the time and bully them a little. Pluck hairs out of their arms or eyebrows, move around their shit right before their eyes, steal their car keys and wallet just to screw with their heads. I think that would occupy my whole hour, right? 

Well, this was fun for me. Was it fun for you? Truthfully, Honey Badger don’t give a shit. I occupied my evening away from Pinterest and Facebook, so it’s a win. With enough positive feedback, I might do this again sometime. =]


A New Mother Revelation

4 Jun

Thank you, Mommy. 

You came up when I was by my lonesome and took care of both your little girls. You cleaned my house, babysat your granddaughter, and spared me a few moments of Sesame Street so I could relax in Buddy’s absence. 

I even made it to Costco while she babysat the Pterodactyl.

It was the best Costco shop of my life.

I’m accustomed to half-day, drawn-out Costco trips. I’m accustomed to chasing my husband around the store while trying to soothe a cranky baby. I’m accustomed to saying, “No, Buddy, you don’t need another drill.” I’m accustomed to hitting up the free-sample dudes in order to keep up my strength for this monolithic endeavor. Not this time.

This time, I made it in the doors when they opened, whizzed through only the aisles I needed, threw my purchase in my cart, and scrammed before the crowds arrived. All in under 25 minutes. This is a huge deal to me. Since Pterodactyl arrived, I haven’t sneezed without her. Aside from going to and from work, that child goes everywhere with me. I think I’ve had one solo eyebrow wax since she’s arrived, and that’s because I snuck it in on my way home from work. Even the most mundane tasks now occupy triple the time they used to. (I can just hear you more-experienced mothers snickering. Go ahead. Laugh. I know this is common knowledge to you, but I’m still relatively new at this.)

Dear Readers, before you today, I make a vow. I vow to NEVER bring Buddy and Pterodactyl to Costco again. I vow to leave them at home every time I need to restock my 1000 count pack of toilet paper. I vow to spend less than half-an-hour in that warehouse, as opposed to the half-day it normally takes me.

Who said you could grow up so fast?

1 Jun

So sometime in the next few days, we will be celebrating some birthdays around here. Diva & Intuitive will be turning 7 years old.




If I had broken a mirror on the day they were born, I’d be free of the bad luck.


Looking back, 7 years doesn’t seem like such a long time. Some days felt long, sure, but all thrown together, it’s just a clusterfuck of days and moments and minutes and seconds and memories. There were highs, there were lows. There were diapers. Oh, were there diapers. Sorry, landfills. I contributed quite a bit to the world being full of trash.


When I think back to the early days, it kind of feels like it was someone else in a whole different life. Are these two KIDS the same premature babies that couldn’t breathe or eat when they were born? Seriously? They were two mini little baby type things, and now they are, like, human-pseudo-grownups.


For real, who let that happen? Who said it was ok for them to sit up, crawl, walk, talk, THINK? I don’t recall giving them the ok to do all this shit. They are self sufficient, free thinkers.. With likes and dislikes, ideas and theories, strengths and weaknesses. I don’t know when these things happened. They are honor roll students, their teachers love them, they have oodles and oodles of friends.. It’s a crazy trip to see them interacting like miniature grown up humans.


I find something new to be proud of every single day, and I know I always will.


Diva, my brainy little princess, you came into the world squealing, making your presence known. I’m proud to be your mommy, and I can’t wait to see you grow up. Keep writing and reading and imagining things. Keep thinking up crazy “scenes” that you think would make great movies or tv shows. You can do it all.

Intuitive, my sweet little giggling princess, your laugh is impossible to ignore, and one of my favorite sounds. You do things your way, and you are one of the most stubborn people I know – don’t ever lose that. You are amazing and strong-willed, and I can’t wait to see where that takes you in life. I’m always here.


With that, I’m gonna go cry in my coffee. Happy tears, because my babies are growing and becoming amazing people… but there will be some sad tears, too.. I’ll never get those days back, and sometimes, I just wish I could.



%d bloggers like this: