Shit you shouldn’t say to a mom with more than one child.

As you may be aware, I’ve never had one child. I started off the whole shebang with Diva & Intuitive. Because of that, I don’t KNOW what it’s like to have ONE child. That may seem painfully obvious to many of you. (I hope it is, anyways.)

Diva & Intuitive were about 5 weeks early. They stayed in the hospital for a little over a week before being healthy enough to go home. After taking them home, I went into super-insane-overprotective-mamabear mode. Save for doctor appointments, we didn’t take them out of the house very much until they were about 6-7 weeks old. When we did start taking them out, they were always in their carseat, snapped into their double stroller, (THE BUS) with the sun shade pulled up and a blanket covering the majority of the open space that was left. I never imagined that going out with them could be more stressful than it already was.

Then it happened.

Apparently I failed to recieve the memo that having twins automatically makes you a three ring fucking circus. I also didn’t know that tickets were free for one and all.

Perhaps I was very sheltered. Perhaps The Mayor & First Husband raised me with manners. Maybe I just didn’t pay attention to anything other than my little world. I had no idea that there were people, LOTS of people, who could be very.. forward.

On our very first mall outing, the comments started. I tried to be nice, I really did. After the 87th time hearing the SAME comment/questions/concerns I lost the polite filter.

These are some of the comments that I repeatedly recieved.. While I “only” had twins. The comments that came after Handsome came along will be another section.

• ARE THEY TWINS?! – Two small infants. One double stroller. Matching car seats. No, they’re not twins. I stole this other one. Is that bad?
• Two boys? A boy and a girl? Two girls? – One squirrel and one spider monkey, actually.
• Is it harder than one baby? – Well I would sure fucking assume so, since, you know, there ARE TWO OF THEM.
• Are they natural? – Nope, silicone! Don’t they look real? (The balls on people to ask if I had in-vitro. There is obviously nothing wrong with in-vitro, but what business is it of theirs? Market research?!)
• Vaginal or c-section?! – Uh. Go away please. I don’t want my babies to catch “rude”. (This one always floored me. Why on God’s green earth would a stranger want to imagine my hoohaa expelling children OR my guts being removed to extract them?!)
• My sister’s cousin’s husband’s friend’s daughter has twins! – OMG no way! We are practically family, in that case.
• How did you have twins? – Like, literally? How were they conceived? Uh, google it, please. (There was a time I said something a BIT more crass than that, but, uh, my dad reads this. It had something to do with doing something twice in one night..)
• You’re such a great nanny! – Listen, bitch. I will SHOW YOU MY STRETCH MARKS, k? Thanks.
• It will get easier, I promise! – Uh, how? All they do is eat, sleep, and lay there. I assume that they will eventually MOVE and voice opinions.

By the time Diva & Intuitive were about 11 months old, I was pregnant with Handsome. I had no idea that the comments were about to get even better.

• Were you TRYING for another one? – What’s the difference? My uterus, not yours!
• What if it’s ANOTHER girl?! – Uh, well.. If the bun in the oven is another girl.. Then we’ll have 3 girls. Simple math, methinks.
• Do you really want a 3rd baby?? – Baby?! This one isn’t going to be a puppy? Shit. I really wanted a chihuahua.
• You need a TV. Do you know what causes “that”? – Uh… We have a TV. Cable, too. I’ll have to google what causes “that”, though. Thanks for the heads up.
• I really hope that one is a boy! – Hmm. Interesting. I hope it’s healthy & full term. Anything else is a bonus.

One of the first times I went out with the 3 kids by myself, Diva & Intuitive were about 19 months old, Handsome was about 3 weeks old. We ventured out to Target. The girls were in the double stroller, the baby in the sling. As we were strolling through the household goods, Diva & Intuitive were chatting with each other and pointing things out to me and Handsome was snoozing in the sling. We come across a woman in the same aisle as us, and I do my usual “share the aisle” dance, trying to move the stroller enough to give her room to move by us. She stops. She looks at the girls, looks at the sling, looks at me.

“Are they triplets?”

I was not expecting that. At all. I mean, sure, Diva & Intuitive were a LITTLE small for their age.. but… uh…

As time went on, I got used to being asked if they were triplets, they looked alike and were close in size soon after Hadsome turned 1. That first time, though, had me speechless. Here are some more good ones.

• Are they all yours? – Nope! Gave birth to this one. Got this one at a garage sale. This one, I found at Target.
• You’re DONE now, right? – I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I want to beat the Duggars. Can we remember that I’ve ONLY been pregnant twice? That’s not unheard of. The fact that I got a BOGO with my first pregnancy is just a bonus.
• Do they all have the same dad?! – Ok, really, what fucking business is it of yours?! I would mess with people sometimes, and tell them that the twin girls had different fathers. That confused them. Job well done.
•  Lucky you had that boy so you can stop! – Yup, this whole process was just to have a boy. Lucky us! Thank goodness for a penis!
• Did you always want a HUGE family? – Personally, I don’t think that 3 kids is a HUGE family. So uh, that question is now invalid. Thanks.
• *pointing at sling* What’s THAT one? – A rabbit.
• WOW! Trying to singlehandedly over populate the world? – Why, yes! I am!

And one of my favorites, usually said to me while I have all three kids in tow at the grocery store…

Gee, you must have your hands full 

I do. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So, if you see a Mommy out with her brood of small people, please, give her a smile. She’ll appreciate that.

Don’t ask her about the inner workings of her uterus. She’ll also appreciate that.

Has anyone asked you something crazy or made a crazy comment?

-Daisy

© Daisy and Violet 2012. All Rights Reserved.

Some of our favorite kid stuff

Between the two of us, we have four kids. Fortunately for Violet, Daisy’s earlier ride on the Baby Train allowed for product recommendations with some savior-fare when it came time for Violet to breed. We thought we’d give you all the benefit of our experiences. Keep this list handy, as they’re excellent products which might make for valuable baby-shower gifts.

*Disclaimer: All of these products were purchased by Daisy and Violet for the sole intent of making baby and Mommy happy, with no ulterior motives nor incentives on the part of the producer. Any recommendations are made in good faith. Neither Daisy and Violet, nor the manufacturers, are responsible if this shit doesn’t work out for you like it did for us.

Baby Wearing:
Violet: Holy crap. Thank you, Daisy, for gifting your pouches to me at my baby shower. These things are a life-saver! In those first few weeks of Motherhood, I was able to nurse Pterodactyl in them. I was able to wear her and get housework done. The design of the pouch, as opposed to that Baby Bjorn shit, is conducive to sleeping, sitting up, and when the kid is old enough, back-wearing. It supports baby’s noggin in those first weeks of slinky-neck. Even to this day, I can go out in public wearing her to prevent grimy old people from touching my child. On occasion, I even “wear” her to sleep when she’s being extra fussy. The Rockin’ Baby Pouch (www.rockinbabysling.com) is as functional as it is pretty. Our shared pouch is black and white flowers on one side, and all black on the other (reversible!) side, but they come in all sorts of pretty hues. They’re adjustable, so they grow with baby, from cradled position to sitting up to wearing on the back. Even my massive, 6’3 husband wore the baby on the largest setting when she was a newborn. Rock on, Rockin’ Baby!

NIPPLES!:
Daisy: Lansinoh saved my life and boobs. The little purple tube full of happy goop was a balm of love, comfort, and all things good. Chafed, cracked, hurting boobies will love you for liberally applying this stuff. Great point about the gunk is the fact that you don’t have to wash it off to nurse – it’s safe for baby. I would apply a good amount after nursing, even when I wasn’t chapped or cracked – kept “them” healthy and moisturized. Wonderful, wonderful stuff. I also used the Lansinoh disposable nursing pads. They are thin; completely invisible under thin bras and t-shirts, and WOW are they absorbent. Lansinoh has no clue who I am, and they certainly didn’t provide me with anything, I just love them and have fond memories of the comfort their products brought to my udders. (Like, uh, not looking like I was perpetually in a wet t-shirt contest) (www.lansinoh.com)

Baby Feeding:
Violet: Trust me when I say that I’ve run the gamut of baby bottles. When Daisy recommended the Playtex Drop-Ins, I registered for every variation and portion of this bottle set. Unfortunately, Pterodactyl didn’t take to them, and collapsed the nipple. My big brother had used Dr. Brown’s bottles with his two kids, so I tried those next. Let’s just say that there are still some bottle innards somewhere in the bottom of my garbage disposal. Since I don’t have a Ph.D in baby bottle mechanics, I scrapped Dr. Brown’s pretty quickly. I tried the little bottles that came with my Medela, but they turned my kid into The Exorcist, yakking boob milk/formula across the house with projectile aptitudes. That’s when I found Born Free (www.newbornfree.com). Holy smokes, those are fantastic. We started with the glass bottles, and haven’t changed since! The babe couldn’t collapse the nipple. The (uncomplicated, easy-to-use) innards kept her gas-free, and glass is not only environmentally sound, but microwave safe, too.

Diaper Buying
Daisy: Diaper delivery: http://www.amazon.com. Can I get an “AMEN”??? I had three in diapers at once. My kids were good eaters. Due to the fundamental hypothesis of “What goes in must come out”, we went through diapers faster than you can imagine. By the time Handsome was about 4 months old, he, Diva, & Intuitive were all in the same size diaper. That was a happy day for Daisy. I ordered the mega sized box off of Amazon, and when I was a good girl, my mom would send me some as a present. Diapers as presents. Who would have thought that would be the best gift she could send?

Online Shopping:
Violet: I’m addicted to savings. I have a coupon binder, and religiously plan my grocery list to maximize my savings. Now that you know what a crack-head I am, take heed: my favorite sites are the discount ones! I love http://www.zulily.com and http://www.totsy.com. Both sites feature hoity-toity (that’s for you, Daisy’s Ma!) outfits and toys that a humble middle-class person like me would never otherwise be able to afford. The shipping isn’t as fast as, let’s say, Amazon.com, but at these prices, it’s worth the 2-4 week wait.

Corralling Your Kid:
Daisy: The One Step Ahead Superyard was such a great buy. So great in fact that I bought two of them and some extenders, to make a Super-Superyard. I was lucky enough that the layout of two houses I lived in while I needed to wrangle the kids was conducive to having the Superyard around furniture and between walls and furniture. I made a whole secure area and was able to contain kids and toys in a safe environment. Until the kids learned how to chuck their toys over the walls of the jail, anyways.
(Violet edit: I bought this shit, and it was fantastic. Even though my stubborn little Pterodactyl refuses to be caged anymore, the Superyard still serves a purpose: Buddy disconnected the “hexagon” and placed the fencing up against our home entertainment center. Now, the kid can’t turn the volume all the way up on the receiver or whack the PS3.)

Car Safety:
Violet: I know this comes as no surprise, but I absolutely love Pterodactyl’s Britax Marathon 70. It is secure as shit, comfortable for her, and it’ll grow with her until she’s a forward-facing 70 pounder. We never did the infant carrier system; we took her home from the hospital in that car seat. (At 5 lbs, 11 oz, thank you very much!) For those of you like Daisy who enjoy accessorizing, you can buy different seat covers to change up the pattern. Read the safety statistics (http://babyproducts.about.com/od/carseats/tp/topconvcarseats.htm) before you make a choice, but I’m sure you’ll agree that this car seat is the shit.

Cups That Won’t Ruin Your Life:
Daisy: Once my crew was done with sippy cups, I bought a never-ending supply of The First Years Take & Toss cups with lid & straws. Those things are amazing, and pretty indestructible for being labeled as “Disposable” OR “Reusable”. My kids STILL use them, without the lids & straws. They hold 10oz, and can be washed on the top rack in the dishwasher. Fun colors, easy to hold, easy to clean, and hard to spill. Those lids clamp on tight.

So what about you? What baby stuff has made your life easier? Please comment and share the joy with other Mommies. =]

 

© Daisy and Violet 2012. All Rights Reserved.