A Home-Grown Gazpacho Lover

A native Floridian, I naturally gravitate toward any meal that is a) healthy, b) fresh, and c) summer approved. Know how you cold-climate people love your heavy soups and stews in the dead of winter? That’s how we feel about cold dishes during the summer. It’s almost therapeutic.

My father has been making this amazing Gazpacho forever. It’s amazing. It’s healthy as shit. It’s inexpensive to make. It can be a side dish or its own vegetarian dinner. It’s fun to make this for picnics, BBQs, potlucks, etc, and convince people that I’m this incredible gourmet. If they only knew how easy it was to make, they’d stop peppering me with compliments, so let’s just keep this secret to ourselves, k?

Ingredients:

• 2 large tomatoes, peeled and chopped.

(Quick, here’s how to effectively peel a tomato: boil some water. Drop the tomato in for 10 – 15 seconds. Pull it out and drop it in an ice bath. Skin comes right off!)

• 1 cucumber, peeled and chopped
• 1 medium onion, skinned and chopped
• ½  green pepper, seeded and chopped.
• 24 oz. tomato juice (V8 will work just fine.)
• ½ cup EVOO
• ¾ cup red wine vinegar
• Tobasco, Salt/Pepper, to taste

Directions:

1. Place the veggies in a blender with 2 cups of tomato juice. Puree.
2. In a large bowl, mix the puree, EVOO, vinegar, Tobasco, and remainder of tomato juice. Stir well.
3. Chill and serve.

My “Fuck You, Mayo” Potato Salad

I fucking hate mayonnaise. I call it “Satan’s Semen,” which kind of upsets Daisy, who doesn’t mind the condiment. I hate anything with mayonnaise in it. Try to trick me: slide it in and see if I won’t catch it. I will. And then I will hate you for making me eat it.

I’ve avoided most potato salads like the plague, since it’s nearly impossible to find a good one that lacks the unavoidable binding ingredient. But then one day, my step-mom came to the rescue and procured a yummy potato salad that was MAYO-FREE. I rejoiced, since I love potatoes and felt that my mayo prejudice was preventing me from enjoying something I would otherwise love. Since I inherited this recipe, I’ve made some adjustments to Violet-ize it. Hope you enjoy!

This one’s for all of you mayo-haters out there…

Ingredients:

14 small, red boiling potatoes (don’t peel ‘em. The skin is half the fun!)

8 slices cooked bacon, crumbled

5 hard-boiled eggs, peeled and chopped

1/2 cup finely chopped red onion

1/3 cup finely chopped green onion.

1/3 cup finely chopped celery

1 c. Ranch dressing (Just go for the full-fat kind, ok? Don’t pretend like you’re going to save fucking calories by using the low-fat kind. You’re not. You’re just sacrificing flavor. Don’t be dumb.)

2 tablespoons chopped parsley

S&P to taste

Directions:

1. Place potatoes in a medium saucepan and add enough water to cover by an inch. Bring to a boil until they’re tender – about 20 minutes or so.
2. Drain and cool the potatoes. Halve them.
3. In a large mixing bowl, combine potatoes with all the other remaining ingredients and gently toss. Refrigerate for several hours before serving.

And when you receive hundreds of compliments on your fabulous potato salad, advertise the fact that it’s mayonnaise-free. Take that, Hellmans!