Tag Archives: funny

To the holier than thou. Love, Daisy.

24 May

Dear Holier Than Thou Mothers…

 

I concede. I am obviously not worthy of the title of “Mother.” I fully accept this, and am moving on. (can you feel me rolling my eyes? I am.)

 

In a minute.

 

First, I shall lay out some fresh beats and bust a quick rhyme. (Or I’ll just explain myself. What-the-fuck-ever.)

 

1. Stretch Marks: If I say I have stretch marks, it doesn’t mean I hate my children, and wish I would have adopted so I could keep my svelte 18-year-old body. It means I have stretch marks. Did they appear during my pregnancy? Yes. Do I resent my children for “giving” them to me? No, I resent my genealogy, since that shit is genetic. Following up a comment (or just making a comment) about *YOUR* stretch marks by saying something along the lines of

“My stretch marks are SO worth it, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything, because they show me EVERYDAY that I brought an amazing, spectacular, gorgeous, fantastic, BRILLIANT angel into the world, and saying I don’t like them would be like SACRIFICING MY PERFECT CHILD TO “The Others” on Lost. I LOVE MY STRETCH MARKS.”

Yeah. Soooooooo. I get it. The big ol’ cross on your back is super bright and shiny. I get it. You are MOTHER, hear you roar.

I still think MY stretch marks suck, but, uh, more power to you. You must be a better mother than me.

 

2. The “When I have Children…” People: Do I even NEED to address you crazy asses? I will never meet the imaginary standard you have set. In the imaginary world that you and your imaginary children live in, I’m sure that everything is rainbows and unicorns and skipping through fields of wildflowers, with the scent of fresh jasmine filling the air. There are playdates with other imaginary friends, and children that don’t wet themselves, poop themselves, talk back, refuse to eat, cry incessantly for no reason.. They sleep through the night, from 8pm to 9am. You do everything right.

 

How can I compete with that?

Pop out a few, and then tell me if all your imaginary plans came true. I implore you. Do it.

 

3. The Ones Who Do It All.. and Then Some: Now, these.. Sometimes (most of the time) I just don’t believe them.

No, I don’t think that you can take care of 5 children, home-school them, milk the goats out back, make homemade yogurt, clean your house, take care of the pets, manage a business, do 4 loads of laundry, (in all natural, homemade laundry soap, naturally) sprout your quinoa, read 8 stories to your children, take them to the neighborhood park, then to the YMCA for swimming lessons, then to the library…… ALL BEFORE LUNCH.

Screw you. You’re lying, this doesn’t happen. Your attempts to make us “lesser mothers” feel like shit might work for a while… but eventually, we’ll all realize that you don’t really have your shit together, and you actually throw some Gerber Puffs on the floor in the living room and turn on Spongebob, and then go watch your “stories” on your laptop.

Why lie? Fess up, homegirls.

 

 

4. The Exaggerators: You know the one. That one woman who you see at your Gymboree Music class. The one who tells you about all the advanced shit her brilliant diaper dweller does.

“Sooo.. Is your son walking yet? No? Hmm. That’s weird. Perfectly normal, I’m sure. My little prince is just really advanced for his age. His doctor has even said so. He started walking at 4 months old, canyoubelieveit?! Yeah, so now at 8 months, it’s just amazing, but, well, I don’t normally tell people this, but.. We had his IQ tested. He scored pretty well. I don’t like to brag, but his IQ is 865. Yeah. So, he’s SMART. He started reciting Shakespeare last night. It was amaaaaazing.”

Listen, bitch. Your kid craps his diaper, just like mine did. He isn’t a fucking genius. He didn’t start walking at 4 months old. His IQ isn’t 865. He’s a normal baby. Enjoy him as such, because one, he will wise up and not want to hang out with you, because you suck.

 

 

And with that, I will bid you farewell.

 

For now.

 

I’m going to go wallow in the fact that I’m just not as good as all of you Holier Than Thou moms out there.

Fondly, Daisy.

 

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The Fairy of Teeth.

18 Apr

The tooth fairy has been pretty busy at our house for the past long while. Collectively, Diva & Intuitive have lost 11 teeth.  7 of those are Diva’s, 4 are Intuitive’s.

Some have been bloody, some have fallen out while they’re eating. Some have been yanked out by a grown up, some have been yanked out by the owner.

All 11 have been an exciting event, complete with a picture to text message to a handful of relatives. The most recent loss, (just yesterday) was Intuitive’s second top front tooth. When I went to pick the kids up from school, she held up a little plastic bag (I guess after you lose 2 teeth at school, they decide to stop giving you the cute little treasure box to take it home with) with her slightly bloody tooth. She regailed us with her tale:

“IT WAS SOOOOOOOOO BLOODY! IT WAS AWESOME!”

At this point, I lied and said that I was very sorry I missed the momentous, and bloody, occasion. Once again, we have a child with a large hole in her mouth, and a slight lisp. If she’s anything like her sister, those two front teeth will take 5 months to come in, and we will have some time to enjoy the toothless grins. As Violet mentioned yesterday, as Pterodactyl gains teeth, we lose them.

With the 11 (and counting) teeth that have fallen from Diva & Intuitive’s mouths… The tooth fairy has been busy. The Mayor & First Husband always used to do something creative when I lost a tooth. The money would be in fun formations, there would be props, etc. I decided a long time ago to do similar things.

Then I had 3 children. Then the 2 older ones started loosing teeth… Then we got to…. oh… tooth 6? And would you believe it…

That bitch, the tooth fairy, FORGOT to come visit.

Actually, the bitch fell asleep on the sofa and just plain forgot to lay out the money on the table. Once morning came, and the kid was looking for her loot, I had to do some fancy footwork. Ran to the kitchen, grabbed some glitter and made it look like the dumbass tooth fairy got lost and came in through the kitchen, leaving a pile of glitter, and a few extra dollars.

It worked, but…

I felt like SUCH an ass.

(Oh, and did I mention that it was Intuitive’s… like.. first or second tooth?)

Since then, I have had to set reminders on my phone when teeth fall out. It’s worked so far, and last night, the fairy left an intricate chain of dollar bills and the tooth hanging from the fan pulley-thing with paperclips.

All 3 kids were thoroughly impressed at the Tooth Fairy’s innovative presentation. Now, it’s off to plan what the hell the dumass tooth fairy will have to do next time, since there are at least 3 more loose teeth in Diva & Intuitive’s mouths.

Has the Tooth Fairy ever forgotten to visit you?

 

-Daisy

ramblings that once had a purpose.

19 Mar

“Daisy, you need to write something”

“Daisy, are you writing?”

“Daisy, GO WRITE NOW”

Violet has been going crazy on me for the past, oh, few days. I have excuses, though!

I mean, reasons. Or something.

We started off Diva, Intuitive, & Handsome’s Spring Break in a great way. A surprise trip to Disney World. Well, a surprise trip for THEM. For Terry and me, it was around 3 weeks of watching what we said and trying not to spill the beans. I was successful. Terry was not.

They knew that a “big surprise” was coming. In anticipation of the surprise, we emptied the kids’ piggy bank, rolled all the coins, and told them they had spending money for something special. Then Terry said

“Maybe you can find something fun to buy in Disney”

Then I stopped breathing for a minute or 2, hoping they hadn’t heard.

“THE SURPRISE IS DISNEY WORLD!!!!!!????”

They yelled in unison. They high fived, started hooting and hollering.  Then I went outside to punch a tree. Terry followed me. All I said was

“You better fix that”

He went in and tried to lie to them, telling him that he meant they could save their money, because surely we’d go to Disney over the summer.

They. Did. Not. Buy. It.

So in went Mommy to do some more damage control.

“Alright guys, I want you to know that we are NOT going to Disney for the big surprise. Terry meant that maybe we’d take a Disney trip over the summer, and maybe you could save your money for that. I don’t want you guys getting all excited and thinking that the surprise is Disney, because you will be SO LET DOWN when you find out that it’s not. I repeat, we are NOT going to Disney for the big surprise.”

The response was equal parts refreshing and frightening.

Diva:

“Mommy, Terry said the same thing to us, but when he said it, he sounded like he was lying, so we didn’t believe him. When you say it, you sound like you’re telling the truth.”

So, lesson learned. Mommy is a KICK ASS liar, Terry.. not so much. SWEET.

After that snafu, it was pretty much smooth sailing. The Mayor almost caused another situation, but luckily, the kids had JUST slipped out of earshot.

Diva, Intuitive, & Handsome had a daily countdown. Everyday on the way to school, I’d ask Intuitive how many days were left, and she’d tell me, growing more and more excited as the numbers got smaller.

Finally it was BIG SURPRISE DAY.

We decided to have them go to school, but pick them up early. They were a bit confused as to why the countdown was at zero, yet we were in the car to go to school. No luck though, Mommy wasn’t spilling any beans. Dropped them off, wished them happy, productive days, and raced home to clean up, and pack.

I spent about 3 hours in a neurotic twister of disorganized organization. 5 people going on an overnight trip requires more shit than you think.

  • Bathing suits (the resort we stayed at has a magnificent pool! we’re taking advantage!)
  • Clothes for dinner (a Disney Luau)
  • Pajamas
  • Extra underwear (The Mayor instilled in me a need to always take extra “foundations” on any trip, just in case)
  • Clothes for our day of park hopping
  • Socks, sandals, sneakers
  • 3 Pillow pets
  • Phone chargers, camera, camera charger.
  • Snacks

(Ended up with one suitcase, one large Vera Bradley duffel bag, 2 large tote-type bags, and a Publix bag full of shoes. For an overnight trip. It looked a bit excessive, but oh well. We ended up using just about everything that I brought.)

After all of Mommy & Terry’s “chores” were done, we decided to go break the kids out of school… and off we went.

All three were throwing ideas out on the drive, until we got to the special back way I always take. Then they started recognizing things. Once the “Welcome to Disney” sign started coming into view, there were gasps and sighs and squeals. Dive launched into a 14 minute long monologue about how we lied to her, but it was ok, because we were in Disney World, but WE LIED TO HER!

She promptly got over the lies when they all realized that unlike many of our other Disney day-trips, we were going to be staying overnight, in a hotel.. and what a hotel it was. Toy Story characters everywhere. Magic and Disney-ness at every turn.

I could surely bore you with cute anecdotes and moments from the rest of our trip, but I’ll just leave you with something Handsome said to me after we returned home…

“Mommy, that was the trip of a lifetime”

It was, kiddo. It definitely was.

-Daisy

© Daisy and Violet 2012. All Rights Reserved.

Tweeting? Twatting? Twoted?

17 Mar

Follow our snarky asses on Twitter, Friends! We’re @DaisyandViolet . You know you want to. In the meantime…

(Daisy edit – Personally, I like “twatting”, but, uh.. you know me.)

 

This Guy Cracks Me Up!

13 Mar

When I stumbled across this blog, I almost giggled with delight. This particular post, entitled Blossom Wants to Take You Back to the Dark Ages, discusses the celebrity-parenting culture of “I know how to mother better than you do because I was in a T.V. show, once.”

Shit you shouldn’t say to a mom with more than one child.

12 Mar

As you may be aware, I’ve never had one child. I started off the whole shebang with Diva & Intuitive. Because of that, I don’t KNOW what it’s like to have ONE child. That may seem painfully obvious to many of you. (I hope it is, anyways.)

Diva & Intuitive were about 5 weeks early. They stayed in the hospital for a little over a week before being healthy enough to go home. After taking them home, I went into super-insane-overprotective-mamabear mode. Save for doctor appointments, we didn’t take them out of the house very much until they were about 6-7 weeks old. When we did start taking them out, they were always in their carseat, snapped into their double stroller, (THE BUS) with the sun shade pulled up and a blanket covering the majority of the open space that was left. I never imagined that going out with them could be more stressful than it already was.

Then it happened.

Apparently I failed to recieve the memo that having twins automatically makes you a three ring fucking circus. I also didn’t know that tickets were free for one and all.

Perhaps I was very sheltered. Perhaps The Mayor & First Husband raised me with manners. Maybe I just didn’t pay attention to anything other than my little world. I had no idea that there were people, LOTS of people, who could be very.. forward.

On our very first mall outing, the comments started. I tried to be nice, I really did. After the 87th time hearing the SAME comment/questions/concerns I lost the polite filter.

These are some of the comments that I repeatedly recieved.. While I “only” had twins. The comments that came after Handsome came along will be another section.

  • ARE THEY TWINS?! – Two small infants. One double stroller. Matching car seats. No, they’re not twins. I stole this other one. Is that bad?
  • Two boys? A boy and a girl? Two girls? – One squirrel and one spider monkey, actually.
  • Is it harder than one baby? – Well I would sure fucking assume so, since, you know, there ARE TWO OF THEM.
  • Are they natural? – Nope, silicone! Don’t they look real? (The balls on people to ask if I had in-vitro. There is obviously nothing wrong with in-vitro, but what business is it of theirs? Market research?!)
  • Vaginal or c-section?! – Uh. Go away please. I don’t want my babies to catch “rude”. (This one always floored me. Why on God’s green earth would a stranger want to imagine my hoohaa expelling children OR my guts being removed to extract them?!)
  • My sister’s cousin’s husband’s friend’s daughter has twins! – OMG no way! We are practically family, in that case.
  • How did you have twins? – Like, literally? How were they conceived? Uh, google it, please. (There was a time I said something a BIT more crass than that, but, uh, my dad reads this. It had something to do with doing something twice in one night..)
  • You’re such a great nanny! – Listen, bitch. I will SHOW YOU MY STRETCH MARKS, k? Thanks.
  • It will get easier, I promise! – Uh, how? All they do is eat, sleep, and lay there. I assume that they will eventually MOVE and voice opinions.

By the time Diva & Intuitive were about 11 months old, I was pregnant with Handsome. I had no idea that the comments were about to get even better.

  • Were you TRYING for another one? – What’s the difference? My uterus, not yours!
  • What if it’s ANOTHER girl?! – Uh, well.. If the bun in the oven is another girl.. Then we’ll have 3 girls. Simple math, methinks.
  • Do you really want a 3rd baby?? – Baby?! This one isn’t going to be a puppy? Shit. I really wanted a chihuahua.
  • You need a TV. Do you know what causes “that”? – Uh… We have a TV. Cable, too. I’ll have to google what causes “that”, though. Thanks for the heads up.
  • I really hope that one is a boy! – Hmm. Interesting. I hope it’s healthy & full term. Anything else is a bonus.

One of the first times I went out with the 3 kids by myself, Diva & Intuitive were about 19 months old, Handsome was about 3 weeks old. We ventured out to Target. The girls were in the double stroller, the baby in the sling. As we were strolling through the household goods, Diva & Intuitive were chatting with each other and pointing things out to me and Handsome was snoozing in the sling. We come across a woman in the same aisle as us, and I do my usual “share the aisle” dance, trying to move the stroller enough to give her room to move by us. She stops. She looks at the girls, looks at the sling, looks at me.

“Are they triplets?”

I was not expecting that. At all. I mean, sure, Diva & Intuitive were a LITTLE small for their age.. but… uh…

As time went on, I got used to being asked if they were triplets, they looked alike and were close in size soon after Hadsome turned 1. That first time, though, had me speechless. Here are some more good ones.

  • Are they all yours? – Nope! Gave birth to this one. Got this one at a garage sale. This one, I found at Target.
  • You’re DONE now, right? – I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I want to beat the Duggars. Can we remember that I’ve ONLY been pregnant twice? That’s not unheard of. The fact that I got a BOGO with my first pregnancy is just a bonus.
  • Do they all have the same dad?! – Ok, really, what fucking business is it of yours?! I would mess with people sometimes, and tell them that the twin girls had different fathers. That confused them. Job well done.
  •  Lucky you had that boy so you can stop! – Yup, this whole process was just to have a boy. Lucky us! Thank goodness for a penis!
  • Did you always want a HUGE family? – Personally, I don’t think that 3 kids is a HUGE family. So uh, that question is now invalid. Thanks.
  • *pointing at sling* What’s THAT one? – A rabbit.
  • WOW! Trying to singlehandedly over populate the world? – Why, yes! I am!

And one of my favorites, usually said to me while I have all three kids in tow at the grocery store…

Gee, you must have your hands full 

I do. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So, if you see a Mommy out with her brood of small people, please, give her a smile. She’ll appreciate that.

Don’t ask her about the inner workings of her uterus. She’ll also appreciate that.

Has anyone asked you something crazy or made a crazy comment?

-Daisy

© Daisy and Violet 2012. All Rights Reserved.

Fun with Texting: 03/01/2012

1 Mar

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© Daisy and Violet 2012. All Rights Reserved.

Fun with Texting: 02/28/2012

28 Feb

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If it made me laugh, it can’t be THAT bad.

26 Feb

On one of my many jaunts around the world wide web, I discovered a pretty funny blog. One of her posts made me giggle, and I immediately shared it on Facebook. I figured I’d share with you all as well.

Rules for Parents of Daughters

She just gets it.

Death to the fish lips photo!

Enjoy, and raise your daughters to be kick ass women.

 

-Daisy

A Little Q&A

24 Feb

Welcome to Daisy & Violet’s little space on the internets. We figured that we would start off with a small bang. Nothing major, just a little question and answer session with each other. First up is Violet answering questions about me, Daisy.. Then, I answer the same questions about Violet. Check out our Mission Statement and the About Daisy & Violet section to learn a little bit more about us.

Daisy:

What is your favorite aspect of my personality?

Violet:

I love how methodical you are. To an outsider, you might look like a funky soccer mom tossing groceries in her cart, but I know how your mind works. I know you’re evaluating the nutritional content of each food, its price, which child eats that food, which child does not eat that food, and the myriad ways you could prepare it. You evaluate everything with that level of scrutiny: home décor, children’s clothes, books, homework assignments. I strive for your focus and attention to detail.

Daisy:

What could you stand to change about me?

Violet:

This one was hard for me. I was going to say your phone habits (like the fact you don’t return calls as often as I like), but then I had to rescind that because you return calls when your Mommy responsibilities are not pressing. I guess I would change your geographic location, and move you into the house next door.

Daisy:

 Why do you think our friendship has sustained for so long, through so many hurdles?

Violet:

We’re two peas in a pod. We have similar outlooks on life. We are inwardly catty and outspoken, but outwardly polite. We understand one another, and accept the other for who she is.

Daisy:

What makes me an excellent Mommy?

Violet:

What doesn’t make you an excellent Mommy? Your children are polite, intelligent, and bright as fuck. That is 100% nurture (because, as we know, their nature is only 50% you…). You have researched every book you read the kids, every school in your area, every bedtime routine in existence, every meal you plan, and synthesize your information to create a realm of mystical Mommyhood. Your routines are orderly. Your children are the opposite of picky eaters. Your kids treat you, their grandparents, their teachers, friends, aunts, and uncles with respect and reverence. Instead of creating this lifestyle with Nazi regiment, you’re as cuddly and sweet with your kids as the smelliest hippie around.

Daisy:

What do you think my first impression upon strangers is?

Violet:

I think they see you and your funky hair cut, your trendy clothes, and your various tattoos, and think you’re just some trendy Florida soccer mom. They don’t know how deeply your commitment to family and values runs.

Daisy:

What is something our readers might want to know about me?

Violet:

You can get down with some really hard rock music, old-school rap, or dorky Broadway crap and be equally happy.

Daisy:

If you could summarize me in one word, what would it be?

Violet:
Devoted. To Everything and Everyone. (Sorry for the four extra words. I’m nothing if not verbose.)

_______________


Violet:

What is your favorite aspect of my personality?

Daisy:

It never changes. You are who you are, no matter what. Through all the stages of your life, (that I’ve been around for) you’ve always been “Violet”. It’s kind of refreshing to feel like nothing has changed when I speak to you, even though years have passed and life HAS changed.

Violet:

What could you stand to change about me?

Daisy:

I would have to say your love for where you live! What I would give to have you, Buddy, and Pterodactyl closer. Preferably on a family compound, with a bridge connecting our homes.

Violet:

Why do you think our friendship has sustained for so long, through so many hurdles?

Daisy:

Because we want it to. We need each other, regardless of how many stupid fights we’ve had over trivial shit, we NEED each other. We balance each other out. Plus, no one would put up with you like I do, and vice versa. You are the mongolian to my motherfucker.

Violet:

What makes me an excellent Mommy?

Daisy:

To be completely honest, when you surprised me with the news that you were pregnant, I was a little scared. I wasn’t sure how you would react to pregnancy and having a newborn. I thought you might be one of those “Pregzillas” and a super insane worrying mother. You know the one I’m talking about. “Don’t get near the baby until you have washed your hands and put on your hazmat suit” or “No one can touch my sweet angel lovey muffin because we don’t know what germsie wormsies you might have”… The first time I heard you call the Pterodactly “Kid”, I was pretty stoked. You have taken to the mommy thing with ease. I have loved seeing you learn mommy-hood and coming to the realization that all the crap you thought you knew… is… well…. crap. I think the best part about your parenting skills is how relaxed you are. You go with the flow. Knowing you as I know you, that impresses me.

Violet:

What do you think my first impression upon strangers is?

Daisy:

Helllllllo preppy upper-middle class suburban mommy! I mean, seriously, you have a Vera Bradley diaper bag! ❤

Violet:

What is something our readers might want to know about me?

Daisy:

You are a bad ass bitch. You worked full time teaching at an “intense” high school, while pregnant, while going to school for your Masters. Then, you had a baby, complete with crazy delivery and complications, and a baby ending up in the NICU, went back to work soon after and back to school to finish your Masters, without missing a beat, all while being an amazing new mom. I don’t know HOW you did all that. BAD ASS BITCH.

Violet:

If you could summarize me in one word, what would it be?

Daisy:

Committed. You don’t do a damn thing half assed.

Next up, a little something from Violet. You will laugh.

Until next time, I wish you unicorns and rainbows. <3, Daisy

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