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Search Terms

9 Jun

So, I’m sitting here watching Armageddon while my kids have rest time… And I was perusing the different things that people have searched for that got them here, and, uh… We need to address this. People, quite obviously, are strange. For your viewing pleasure, here are some noteable ones… And if you got here via one of these searches, we won’t hold it against you.

(Search terms are bold – my commentary is un-bold)

  • if i have conversations with myself am i schizophrenic: Well, that depends, dear friend. Are you arguing or just conversing? Either way, you’re in the right place. Hope you stuck around.
  • give me poop: I’m fresh out. I hope you found what you were looking for.
  • birth day party gift by fucking: May I suggest a Hallmark card?
  • moms i’d like to fuck daisy: Well, thanks! I’m.. honored?
  • how to make c section go smoother: Well this makes sense. Good luck!
  • walking like a 90 year old woman after a c section: This makes sense, too.
  • car stickers for single people: Seriously? You want to put a single, solitary stick figure on your car? Just buy an ipod and slap the apple on it.
  • i just love daisies: I do, too. I also love babies and strawberries and people that don’t suck.
  • daisy cooks: I sure fuckin’ do.
  • can you buy premade hummus: For many reasons, this made me laugh. Have you never been to a grocery store? That being said, my hummus is homemade. Straight from the package into a bowl.
  • sex stick people car stickers: Like, stick figures engaged IN coitus?
  • screw your stick figure family: I hope you stuck around.
  • everything just seems pointless what’s everything?: texting you and sitting here wondering: Who searches for this? Seriously? I thought the emo movement was over.
  • violet inappropriate: She sure can be. We love her, though.
  • pee her pants purpose: FIVE people have searched for this. Seriously?
  • peinis picturs: Who let their 10 year old and her friends on the computer?
  • class 4 narcotic: We are in no way medical professionals. Proceed at your own risk.
  • baby poo lots breastfed: Yup, that can happen!
  • daisy a vagina: I’ll just shake my head and wonder at this one.
  • corned beef hash joke: There are jokes about corned beef hash? I’m missing out.
  • does chicken kitchen curry sauce have mayo: Much to Violet’s dismay.. It does.
  • if you would listen mommy wouldn’t have to loose her shit: I agree!
  • daddy issues oral fixation: And this is a good example of why we don’t post pictures of our children. Thanks!
  • morphine in a c sections whore out during surgery?: Uh…………… Personally, I didn’t whore out during my c-section…
  • fat girls at prom: Hmm.
  • neighborhood children girls let out blood-curdling screams when playing outside: Are you throwing things at them?
  • intensity not your mothers vibrator: Hope you found what you were looking for!
  • families who want to be naked: Hello to our nudist readers.
  • i toss my stepmom salad: I *really* hope you mean a salad consisting of vegetables.
  • stick figure car decals woman with cats: Maybe you and the person looking for “single people decals” should hang out.
  • can i work out on the elliptical while on pelvic rest: Yeah, that’s a good idea.
  • daisy kick boxing: Nope.
  • lots of cats stick figure car: Sigh.
  • pictures of gay stick figures families: Wouldn’t two males or two females as the parents suffice?
  • people who are obsessed with working out every morning before work: I’ll take “Violet” for $1000, Alex.
  • driving daisy naked: I drive clothed, thank you.
  • babies”r”us is filled with useless crap: That, it is.
  • daisy topped nipples martha stewart: Martha Stewart’s nipples. *Shudder*
  • should i let my ex hussnd in for my c section: Is it his kid? If not, nope.
  • fuck off i want an elective c section: Have fun with that!
  • are playtex drop ins safe for baby: No. They are covered in rat poison. Playtex is trying to control the population. (sarcasm, don’t sue me, Playtex!)
  • daisy shit in the kitchen: I assure you, I didn’t.
  • does military get wedding anniversary off: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Yeah, sure. They also throw you an anniversary party.
  • poop stained shirt.: We’ve all been there.
  • what the fuck is a trimester: I hope you aren’t breeding.

Keep on searchin’. Makes us laugh.

-Daisy

The Fairy of Teeth.

18 Apr

The tooth fairy has been pretty busy at our house for the past long while. Collectively, Diva & Intuitive have lost 11 teeth.  7 of those are Diva’s, 4 are Intuitive’s.

Some have been bloody, some have fallen out while they’re eating. Some have been yanked out by a grown up, some have been yanked out by the owner.

All 11 have been an exciting event, complete with a picture to text message to a handful of relatives. The most recent loss, (just yesterday) was Intuitive’s second top front tooth. When I went to pick the kids up from school, she held up a little plastic bag (I guess after you lose 2 teeth at school, they decide to stop giving you the cute little treasure box to take it home with) with her slightly bloody tooth. She regailed us with her tale:

“IT WAS SOOOOOOOOO BLOODY! IT WAS AWESOME!”

At this point, I lied and said that I was very sorry I missed the momentous, and bloody, occasion. Once again, we have a child with a large hole in her mouth, and a slight lisp. If she’s anything like her sister, those two front teeth will take 5 months to come in, and we will have some time to enjoy the toothless grins. As Violet mentioned yesterday, as Pterodactyl gains teeth, we lose them.

With the 11 (and counting) teeth that have fallen from Diva & Intuitive’s mouths… The tooth fairy has been busy. The Mayor & First Husband always used to do something creative when I lost a tooth. The money would be in fun formations, there would be props, etc. I decided a long time ago to do similar things.

Then I had 3 children. Then the 2 older ones started loosing teeth… Then we got to…. oh… tooth 6? And would you believe it…

That bitch, the tooth fairy, FORGOT to come visit.

Actually, the bitch fell asleep on the sofa and just plain forgot to lay out the money on the table. Once morning came, and the kid was looking for her loot, I had to do some fancy footwork. Ran to the kitchen, grabbed some glitter and made it look like the dumbass tooth fairy got lost and came in through the kitchen, leaving a pile of glitter, and a few extra dollars.

It worked, but…

I felt like SUCH an ass.

(Oh, and did I mention that it was Intuitive’s… like.. first or second tooth?)

Since then, I have had to set reminders on my phone when teeth fall out. It’s worked so far, and last night, the fairy left an intricate chain of dollar bills and the tooth hanging from the fan pulley-thing with paperclips.

All 3 kids were thoroughly impressed at the Tooth Fairy’s innovative presentation. Now, it’s off to plan what the hell the dumass tooth fairy will have to do next time, since there are at least 3 more loose teeth in Diva & Intuitive’s mouths.

Has the Tooth Fairy ever forgotten to visit you?

 

-Daisy

Fun With Texting: 4/16/2012

16 Apr

Pterodactyl stole her Mommy’s phone and was text messaging her Auntie Daisy… She also called me twice! Love that girl!

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Don’t judge me.

29 Mar

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Please?

-Daisy

Image

Fun with Texting: 03/29/2012

29 Mar

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It Tastes the Same

29 Mar

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(if you close your eyes.)

Funny Shit for Football Fans

21 Mar

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Wordless Wednesday: Fun With Texting 03/20/2012

20 Mar

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Shit White Moms Say

20 Mar

Yes, yes we do.

Tweeting? Twatting? Twoted?

17 Mar

Follow our snarky asses on Twitter, Friends! We’re @DaisyandViolet . You know you want to. In the meantime…

(Daisy edit – Personally, I like “twatting”, but, uh.. you know me.)

 

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